Guaranteed: Self-Confidence Part II
Some time ago I wrote a post about how to guarantee self-confidence but I think it’s time to revisit that topic. I develop my ideas on behavior and problem solving using a very logical approach to find the cause and effect mechanisms at play. I came to the conclusion that confidence comes from the competence to do something and deliver a desire result with a high degree of certainty and repeatability. However, based upon responses here and there I think that a lot of people desire high-levels of generic self-confidence rather than specific confidence for certain things. I think that a lot of people are looking for ‘invincible’ self-confidence so let’s take a look at that issue.
Firstly, in order to seek a result we should first think about whether such a thing is actually possible as it is easy to chase after things that we can never actually have without realizing that they are impossible to attain. We then wear ourselves out and feel down about ourselves, which might be something we can avoid with a bit of thought up front. So, is 100% confidence all of the time possible or likely? I would say that it depends. If you have reached a stage in life where you have such high-levels of ability that you can handle every single problem that comes your way with a high-certainty of getting the end result that you want then 100% confidence all of the time is mostly possible.
For most of us though, this is an unlikely scenario to create. You would have to go through a period of building great capabilities and then stop and limit yourself to no further growth and to only do things that are well-within your capabilities to fulfill. Let’s face it, for most of that is either never going to happen or else limiting growth is something that we don’t actually want. Consequently, we cannot expect to feel 100% confident all of the time (so stop beating yourself up about it when it doesn’t happen!).
So when can you expect to feel high-levels of confidence? When you have the competence to deliver the result that you desire is my first response. Secondly, I would say that you can feel high-levels of confidence when you are able to enter into an uncertain situation or one for which you perhaps do not have the full level of competency that you would like to have and you can say to yourself, “Whatever happens, I can handle the consequences of this.” This puts you in the beautiful position of removing your focus from delivering a result over which you cannot fully control the outcome, to putting your focus upon how you can respond to the consequences of the process that you are engaged in. By focusing on personal responses that you an control, you can adapt and respond better to events without the overhanging negative emotions and stress that come from the desire that you ‘must deliver a certain result.’
Late last year I joined a chapter of Toastmasters International to develop public speaking skills. I did my second speech a few weeks ago when I requested to do a ‘target speech’ in order to allow evaluators to train for an upcoming speech contest. I prepared well for the speech and rehearsed it several times to check my timing and recall (I prefer to speak without notes). I normally keep a cool head for these things and I’ve learned not to go all out on a public performance (and you can read how I learned about that the hard way in the post ‘Antidote to Perfectionism‘). On the evening though I began to feel a little bit nervous. I was the last person to speak and I began to wonder whether I could recall the speech, whether I would draw a blank and hesitate or forget vital parts or mess up my lines. Inner tension was building because of the extra expectation loaded upon me to do a speech that the evaluators would scrutinize more than ever before. Not only that, instead of being evaluated once, as normally happens, I would receive three separate evaluations on my performance (groan).
As the moment for speaking came closer and closer I began to feel more and more tension because I was focused on achieving a certain kind of result rather than putting my focus upon performing well, informing and entertaining the audience and enjoying the process. I knew that the speech should go well because it was simple, well-structured, of interest to the audience and I had prepared thoroughly through rehearsing it about six times at home. At that point I decided to forget the outcome and I said to myself, “I have prepared very well so whatever happens, I can handle the consequences of this.” This immediately calmed me and returned my focus to doing those things well that I had control over - namely my performance - instead of focusing on the thing that I couldn’t control: each individual member of the audience’s perception of me.
The net result was that I gave a relaxed performance of my speech and I remembered every single part of it. The audience was entertained and they even laughed at my jokes! I received not one but three very positive evaluations and afterwards almost every member and guest of the club congratulated and thanked me on a very entertaining speech. This happened because I prepared very well and I changed my focus onto performing the process well rather than upon attaining an outcome that I could not fully control. In this case I didn’t mess anything up but if I had done so I was much more likely to recover gracefully than to run screaming from the room.
If you are a person who seeks personal growth (and I’m guessing that if you regularly read this blog then that describes you) then you will often have to put yourself into the unknown, into uncertain situations and right at the limit (and sometimes beyond) your current levels of ability. It’s only natural that you will feel uncertain and lacking in confidence to deliver the result that you actually desire and that can work against you by generating fear and negative emotion at the thought of that. However, you already have enormous powers of resource and capability. Those are the things that have brought you to the point where you can go a step further. As we stand at the summit of what we have created and still reach for the sky beyond we forget that we are stood upon a tower of strength.
Keep taking steps forward and if the tension builds then remind yourself, “Whatever happens, I can handle the consequences of this,” and if your gut reaction is that that’s not true then you really should reconsider what you are about to do as you might be on the verge of a foolhardy or reckless and potentially irrecoverable action. If you want to have high-levels of generic self-confidence all of the time then stay well-grounded and in touch with all of your sound competencies that create your deepest resourcefulness. Keep highly-focused on an excellent delivery of the processes that deliver the result and you end up doing the one thing that can actually deliver great results.
Related article:
Guaranteed: Self-Confidence
Antidote to Perfectionism
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[Superman Picture: Linus Bohman - Eiffel Tower Picture: Fenners1984]
#1 - Permalink gsdsmiles April 7th, 2008 at 12:12 amHi Nick
You are indeed a remarkable man! I’m really quite awed with your Renaissance spirit! I wish you had made a podcast of your speach to complement that article as you did earlier with your excellent guitar piece. (That was another fine blog entry….thank you!)
I totally agree with you about your viewpoint about general confidence based on your character rather than focusing on a particular performance at a particular time. You are wise beyond your years!
When I used to play sports I was always messing myself up! LOL! If you never get hurt, you’re never really in the game! LOL! If you never flub a riff, you’re never improving your ability, etc….
But what you speak of here is far more noble…..you’re stretching the boundaries of both your character and your ability to engage in life with a full heart and fresh eyes…always stretching the boundaries of possibilities…yes, you’re a true Renaissance Man! gsdsmiles
#2 - Permalink Nick Pagan April 7th, 2008 at 1:35 amThanks gsdsmiles!
It’s a central part of my philosophy that when you feel negative emotions it’s because you desire something that you can’t have. In order to live without negative emotion you either have to accept your limits and give up on the desire or else find ways to expand your capabilities so that you can eventually deliver what you want.
Expanding capabilities can be tough because it’s often frustrating and it can lead to feelings of inadequacy as you often have to go through getting undesired results until you get what you want. Keeping up a strong attitude is very important and that comes down to accepting reality and adjusting to deal with consequences right now and in the immediate future.
Thanks for the complement about being a Renaissance Man - that brought a lot of cheer to me!
#3 - Permalink gsdsmiles April 8th, 2008 at 6:44 amHi Nick
Please forgive my old mind, but I’d like to offer you a possible alternative/modification to reflect on regarding your reply…..
Firstly, don’t believe that you can’t have anything at all! If you can relate to it, a piece of it is yours! Think of all the out of shape football fans swilling ale whilst their hearts pound and their veins burn whilst they are watching their team dog it out with a competitor! LOL!
I used to engage in many of life’s opportunities, yet now I’m a disabled shell physically. Hell, even my brain functioning got compromised. Believe me, it me took through hell and back to realize that I, too, can draw from the cornucopia of life….Negative emotions are a double-edged sword. From sadness is born anger…a refusal to lay prostrated….it’s that sadness and anger that rekindled the fire in my belly to reclaim my desire and determination to get on with living fully. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t get maudlin from time to time, yet…..most of the time I don’t worry so much with what I am, but WHO I am.
I’m quite inadequate by most people’s definition, even my own! LOL! But, emotions are the reflections of your knowledge and opinions gained over your lifetime. Trying to avoid engaging in any negative emotions is similar to taking a primary color off an artist’s palette, or forbidding a musician from playing minor chords, etc…You get the point….
Part of dealing with negative consequences is to re-frame them as either sheer luck when you didn’t orchestrate the event to part of the learning curve of either your particular pursuit or to the endeavor of living life itself!
I seem to fare better when I allow all my emotions free speech (at least in my mind) and then, decide how to either integrate it or modify it…..It’s all about character and passion….and how you harvest your possibilities!
Am I clear as mud? LOL!
Keep on, man…you’re developing yourself quite nobly. It’s quite generous of you to share the ride via your blog.
gsdsmiles
#4 - Permalink admin April 8th, 2008 at 1:31 pmHi gsdsmiles,
I didn’t mean to give the impression that I quit when the going is tough. I rarely give up on the important and cherished things in life. It’s just that my discoveries about the causes of emotions just lead to the practical conclusion that you will continue to feel negative emotions about a desire you cannot fulfill unless you either give up on it or manage your desires and your activities such that you can postpone gratification and work on the development needed to gain the personal competence necessary to fulfill the desire.
I see your point about the emotional palette but I feel that I had too many dark colors and shades in the early part of my life and now I want to continue with bright colors. I’m tipping the balance of perception in the opposite direction and enjoying life much more thoroughly.
In truth, it’s not experiencing negative emotions that bothers me so much as my responses to them. Those responses were the things that ruined me before. I have wasted a lot of time and done too many dumb and foolish things. I allowed my despondency to impoverish my life. I didn’t want to fritter my life away any longer and yet the answers and methods of other people didn’t solve the problems for me. I got temporary relief but never full understanding and hence control.
I now have the understanding that I sought and a large measure of the control that I wanted. Even better the understanding and the methods are very simple and very robust. I know that disappointments and setbacks will come in the future. What matters to me is how I respond to them and bouncing back into cheerfulness and high-productivity is my primary desire.
That’s a desire that might not suit everybody, but I can vouch for the fact that it feels wonderful!
#5 - Permalink gsdsmiles April 8th, 2008 at 8:24 pmHi Nick
Well stated, young man! If you have found your formula for both vitality and peace, bless you! I sometimes forget that my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has disordered my mind in such a way that coping techniques are all that medical science can offer my disordered mind. My bliss and my faith lies in my abilities to dance around the landmines of my damaged brain and my damaged body. Therefore, any happiness and promise I can experience for myself creates a level of gratitude that only recurring extreme pain and fear can generate. Because it’s physically engrained in my mind and permanently constructed in my body, that’s the hell aspect of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and spinal cord damage. The doctors claim that I’ve done exceedingly well with dealing with the horrors and tortures I’ve endured and must continue to endure until medical science advances. When I lay my head to sleep, a part of me still fears the nightmares and flashbacks that bring right back to it like it’s happening again or the grinding pain that even narcotics can’t soothe.! We are taught to bravely allow it to pass and recognize that the brain is damaged. The physical aspect, we’re simply told by the doctors, “I’m sorry, man. This is all current medical science can offer you” So when I can find the peace and bliss in any moment, I feel tremendous gratitude. It’s a sort of hell trying to appreciate the colors of a sunrise, the curled lips of a smiling baby, the cool freshness of raindrops dancing on my body whilst my body is on fire and my brain is misfiring recollections of horror and torture, over and over again…yet, sometimes I can and do…….I cherish these things and guard them jealously against the backdrop of unending horror and pain. I can’t push them away. I, along with anyone permanently shell-shocked, can’t….yet, our levels of gratitude and determination keep us in the dance of life savouring all that is peaceful, all that is good, all that is promising whilst we try not to begrudge having to dance with life in a field littered with hidden landmines. We tread cautiously with each step, grateful for the moments you to eloquently speak of here.
I apologise, Nick. I quite forgot that my extreme remedy isn’t needed or desired by anybody who isn’t constant bedpartners of horror and excruciating pain. I wear every happiness, accomplishment and gratitude I can eke out of living like a badge of honor and cherish these moments to the fullest. Nothing is taken for granted.
We walk down different roads, my friend….but I’ll guess that we follow the cadance of same drumbeats. I admire you greatly.
gsdsmiles
#6 - Permalink admin April 9th, 2008 at 12:56 amWow! You have to deal with problems that I can barely imagine. Your determination to grasp every good moment that comes along and to adapt and make the best of what is available to you is an inspiration.
Have you ever read Victor Frankl’s book, “Mans Search for Meaning” about his experiences in a Nazi concentration camp? It’s an amazing book about the behavior of people in some of the most dire circumstances imaginable. His conclusion was that all things can be taken from a person except for one thing: “the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” In the face of great difficulty, you are choosing that nobler path and I deeply respect you for it.
#7 - Permalink gsdsmiles April 9th, 2008 at 3:07 amHi Nick
Again, you have drawn a parallel….The first time I read it was a first edition signed copy written by Dr Frankl himself….to my father(Dachau and Auschwitz)My dad was the head physician in Patton’s regiment. When the troops liberated the concentration camps, my dad had the hard decision of “sorting” the victims into groups of care needed from the extreme emergency on the spot surgery to….the ones they had to turn a blind eye to because they were too close to death and their precious, immediate resources were limited……..Sometimes when my father would cheerfully offer us a candy or take us to county fair, I often wondered how he kept all of that sorted in his head….
Now I think I kind of understand. Sometimes you can’t…but when you can, you embrace life with all that is good in you…and if you can’t find a good explanation for the “bad” things in life, do what my dad advised me to do (not knowing the future of his child)….”It’s in the shadows that you discover your light source” My mind is filled with my memories of my dad, the love, the wisdom, the gratitudes…..I could go on and on about my meager attempts to try to emulate my hero. He was admired by many but I don’t think anyone could admire him more than I did.
Blasted it all, Nick….where am I going with all of this? LOL!
I think what I was trying to come around to it…..we all have to much to learn and yet, we teach as well as we share our thoughts. I humbly accept your kind words as I blush behind the computer screen…thank you!
gsdsmiles
#8 - Permalink gsdsmiles April 9th, 2008 at 3:20 amThe second time the book was recommended to me was by my first psychologist. It was framed around that my experiences and mind were similar to that of Dr. Frankl’s…I think I was being soft-soaped with that Dr’s introduction to the book! LOL! I dutifully accepted the kind doctor’s recommendation and read it again. (I had previously read it several times before but I didn’t mention it) Some books are like dear friends or valuable mentors. I hope one day that you’ll wrap your wisdom from this blog and present it to the world as a book. Maybe I’m too old for this age of technology…but there’s something about reading a book, keeping it safely on the bookshelf to be visited again later or lent to a friend…It’s something that perhaps you should think about someday when it’s right for you…..
gsdsmiles
#9 - Permalink gsdsmiles April 9th, 2008 at 3:24 amNick
Feel free to remove this drivel….I shouldn’t allow myself near a typewriter when I get sentimantal! LOL!
I’m sorry to trouble you…
gsdsmiles
#10 - Permalink admin April 9th, 2008 at 5:59 amgsdsmiles,
I recently watched the episode of ‘Band of Brothers’ where they came across the first camp. Your father was one of the guys who had to sort that out - what an amazing story.
None of what you write is drivel to me (I will always remove a comment if you truly want me to). I enjoy your comments! I do get the feeling though that you ought to consider writing a blog of your own. You have an interesting past and an interesting present. You have a lot of wisdom to share and you live courageously. That could make for compelling reading (I’d subscribe as a reader!).
#11 - Permalink gsdsmiles April 9th, 2008 at 12:48 pmHello, again, Nick
You have piqued my curiousity. Is the Band of Brothers a tv show on cable? I’m ashamed to admit that I traded my funds for cable tv to have DSL. It wasn’t really a hard choice because I don’t watch much tv. (My short term memory loss doesn’t allow me to follow the show unless I tape it (yes, I’m still using tapes to record tv! LOL!)
If it’s important enough to tape, I can rewind it incrementally or take notes about characters, plot ant timelines. But that’s so time-consuming and effortful, that I rarely bother to watch a drama unless I feel that it will add quality stuff to mind! LOL! I have to do the same thing with reading books……I miss that more as reading was my prime hobby.
Is this Band of Brothers available on the internet? If so, I’d like to give it a go based on your recommendation!
I was asked by a very prominent blogger to start a blog. It is still empty. The trouble is I can’t cue up my own mind. Part of the reason I read 3 or 4 blogs is to reaquaint myself to myself via the unintentional cueing. Perhaps, through no fault of your own, you have created a squatter on your blog! LOL! Your writings both inspire me and remind me that I’m not nearly as *empty* or *useless* as I sometimes believe. I’m working on trying to stop comparing myself to who I was and the lifetrack I had created for myself. Like you said before, your character and passion is the central force of you you make of what ever life hands you.
I don’t think my prattle is blog worthy. It’s better suited for cronies bouncing off each other at the local pub! LOL! But I don’t begrudge that too much….that’s what life is all about….people intertwining their lives, their wisdom, their dreams and growing exponentially because of their shared encounters. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! LOL! LOL! LOL!
gsdsmiles
#12 - Permalink admin April 10th, 2008 at 1:11 amHi gsdsmiles,
I’ll answer your queries about Band of Brothers via e-mail as it’s getting off topic.
Nick
#13 - Permalink Linus Bohman May 7th, 2008 at 7:15 amHi there Nick,
first off I want to say that I’m really flattered that you liked my photo enough to use it for your article. It’s always nice to get that kind of appreciation. I do, however, have some pointers for you to consider:
- First, always check and see if the license under which the photo is distributed would allow you to use it without the authors permission. On flickr, which is the only site I use to display photos I care about, I never release any of my photos except under all rights reserved. So far, at least - who knows what’ll happen in the future. That means, legally, that you can’t publish it in this context unless you make a deal with me first.
- A reciprocal link back to where you found it is always nice
I’m not going to do “demand” that you take the picture down, nor would I have the means to do anything about it if I wanted you to. Just remember that common politeness goes in all communication - even over the internet
Best regards and good luck with yor blogging venture in the future, Linus Bohman
#14 - Permalink admin May 7th, 2008 at 4:31 pmLinus,
Thanks for your kind and diplomatically put advice. As discussed by e-mail, I was in error so I will take much greater care in future. You have some great photos on your Flickr page so for other people who are curious here is the link:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bohman/
Best regards,
Nick