Dealing with Personal Conflict
Most of us are conflicted because we deny the truth about our own personal performance. Denial seems bred into us but an awareness of the harm it causes can allow us to overcome it and live more cheerfully and productively
Most people spend 90% of their time defending their ego, I once read. That statement made me stop and scratch my head but in the end I agreed with the statement. Most people will go to extraordinary lengths to protect their public image even in the face of real world evidence against their fabricated self-image. I confess that I felt a bit smug because I don’t swagger much in public. I don’t put up glass houses that people can throw stones at and so I didn’t spend 90% of my time defending my ego in public.
In private though, I found a very different story as for years I entertained a high opinion of myself that really went unwarranted based upon the real world results that I created. I thought that I was great and that other people and other things were at fault for the dismal results that I created for myself. I spent a lot of time playing the blame game, you know the story, “I could’ve been a contender if only I had had better:
parents/siblings/friends/teachers/genes/luck/girlfriends/employers etc. etc.”
I didn’t spend much effort defending my ego in public but in private that seemed to be pretty much all that I ever did. I had a phony image of myself and I denied the reality that it wasn’t other things that were messing my life up, it was me!
However, despite all of the bullshit that we throw out and all of the ranting and raving that we might do avoid the truth, the fact is that we live in a real world and fabrications and denial just can’t cut it forever. Subconsciously, I knew that I deceived myself and the symptoms of this deception came forth as despondency, self-contempt and poor behavior. At heart, I felt something of a fake because I did not get on with the things that I speculated, planned and dreamed of. Instead I became a fantasist, something which gave continuous instantaneous relief but that resulted in more and more despair over the long-term.
I had to face up to the horrid truth: I was bullshitting myself. Ouch! That hurt. It hurt very deeply but once I accepted that, a lot of stress, and the continuous numbing background of negative emotion that I had felt for years, just fell away. By accepting the truth about my reality I no longer had to devote energy into pumping up a continuously deflating image of myself. It was the perfect exchange. Effort devoted into pretending that I was something that I was not could now be devoted into taking the practical actions that would deliver what I wanted. The only cost was hurt pride and some flickers of desperation, easily offset with a little bit of forgiveness. Not a bad price for turning my life around.
So if it’s that easy then why do so many people live in denial, defending the indefensible? I think that it comes down to ancient survival mechanisms. No one wants to end up extinct as the least fit. No one wants to end up in dire straits due to incompetence. I think that we have evolved in such a way that denial benefited us as a species (but more on this in the next post). However, that denial tends to confer very short-term benefits at the expense of long-term advantage. By recognizing what’s going on in our minds we can develop a conscious awareness of the fact that denial is a very short-term response and is not to be indulged in as a long-term strategy.
If you feel that some of your deeper problems come from denying the reality of who you are, rather than who you would like to be then you need to establish a clear awareness of where the discrepancies lie. When I feel negative emotions I write down how I feel, what caused me to feel this way and the result that I would actually like to have. This shows where my personal performance is lacking because I have not delivered the result that I wanted. The post Painful Emotions: Character Insight goes into more detail about this process. After that you need to seek out the practical ways that you yourself can deliver the results that you want. This initially comes down to desire management (so that you feel good again right now) and then to developing new solutions (that’s a vast subject beyond the scope of this post to answer but the article Supercharge Your Learning can give you some initial insight).
You might find this process of admitting to the real you based upon your real abilities and your real world results painful to do but you probably experience emotional pain in your life already. All of that comes from denying your reality. You can never get what you want in life, make progress and find contentment unless you do this. Keep it real and you will unlock the power and resourcefulness within you.
The simple single act of acceptance of my real world self and rejection of my fantasy self has led to the greatest personal change that I have ever experienced. I behave maturely, decisively and confidently. I behave very naturally. I experience more contentment and cheerfulness than at any other time that I can remember. Best of all, in doing this I have finally unlocked the floodgates to my productivity. Because I no longer bullshit myself about my abilities I no longer have to pretend that I can do the impossible. Instead of contending with this I spent years distracting myself from the truth that I could not do what I set out to do. If you want to save yourself from that trouble then follow my advice!
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#1 - Permalink Mark K March 21st, 2008 at 7:07 pmBravo
I too have come to the same realization that you describe so well. But I’m still arguing with myself about who’s right.
So, I’m still dealing with inner conflict. But this article is definitely helpful.
#2 - Permalink Danijel Gajan March 24th, 2008 at 10:51 amThank you again for a great post. I feel that I am currently undergoing a change similar to that which you have described in this post. Letting go of you ego is quite hard. It may as well be one of the hardest things in life, but I believe that it is very important if we want to live fully and consciously.
#3 - Permalink admin March 24th, 2008 at 6:08 pmTo Mark,
Now that I have a conscious awareness of what goes on in my mind when I deny my real world capabilities, I can get on with resolving inner conflict much easier. This is an on-going process for me. As soon as I unravel one strand it’s not long before I come across another knot to undo but as the process progresses the conflict dissipates more and more so be forgiving with yourself and the argument should die away!
To Daniel,
Letting go of the ego does prove difficult. You’ve invested a lot into it, defended it to the hilt on many occasions, and sometimes it’s probably felt like it’s all that you’ve got. We get conditioned by a lot of influences to behave this way but it really is a short-term fix that causes long-term pain (kind of like a heroin addiction). It creates an unclean state of mind because it involves lies and deceit about reality. You are absolutely right that to live fully and consciously we have to kick that habit.
#4 - Permalink lynn June 10th, 2010 at 6:17 pmPlease tell me how to avoid conflict with two family members I love dearly and want to keep in my life. Things are taken wrongly and one thinks I am cutting them off when I only want peace in my home not their problems. I only want to avoid the stress of their argument and violent behavior. I love them too much and It is very hard when I am alone. I just lost my man he passed away and their friend and family member. The stress could be avoided if the conflict was avoided by not seeing eachother. They are the ones I-I-I love and want them both in my life. What is wrong with just avoiding the conflict and letting go? What can I do before someone gets hurt or I have a nervous brake-down? I am a widow with problems of my own. The conflict is outrageous and unnecessary-how do I defeat the problem and get it out of my life without hurting one or both of them for that matter? I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings, please I am not wanting to be here in the middle. and it is a difficult feat to ignore when it is brought streight into my home. My husband was the back bone of the family and helped everyone he could and now I feel lost in myself. It really hurts me and this behavior is unacceptable in any societys book. Does any one have any suggestions? How do I handle this? I have already asked them both to leave. Not kiked them out but just simply “Please do not bring this to my home”. Now feelings are hurt and I am stuck without my family-I’m the loser in this case. I feel like I have failed amist their conflicts and big delema. IT HURTS ME MOST DEARLY. Where this could go is very problematic. Three hearts are involved the centers of my heart are hurting eachother-deeply. Please God help me find a way to stop the heart ache- That is my prayer. God bless you for your article this is not my conflict though but I must find peace.
#5 - Permalink admin June 11th, 2010 at 11:59 amHi Lynn,
That sounds like a difficult and serious situation if it’s leading to violent behavior. Not knowing the full details I can only give general advice. If people are in serious conflict then it is often because personal rules have been broken. Someone feels wronged and is angry and resentful about it. It’s important to find out how someone was wronged and what personal rule was broken. You can then go the person who caused the other person to feel wronged and discuss it. It might be that that person didn’t know that a wrong was done, or that they didn’t know how painful the consequence would be. If that person cares about the other person and understands the problem and the hurt then a sincere apology might be possible along with a reconciliation. If the other person doesn’t care or can’t bear to apologize then the wound will remain open and will probably never heal. Those two people are deeply incompatible and would do better not to have contact with each other if understanding, apologies and an agreement to behave better in the future is not possible. For the person to whom the wrong was done, he or she must accept not only the apology but also accept that it’s now history. It hurt but the only way to stop it from hurting is to accept the wrong doing (and even the injustice of it). Life isn’t fair and sometimes we end up in trouble through little fault of our own. It’s a tough break but accepting it is the only way to find personal inner peace. Forgiveness is the only way to find public peace with the person who did the wrong. Nonetheless, doubt and suspicion might remain. You can forgive someone without having to like that person. If there is a core of good feeling and connection between the two people and a desire to have a better future then a good relationship might develop. If that core isn’t there then it’s very unlikely that those two people will ever get along.You might have to do some digging and act as a mediator between these people. Getting to the root cause of the problem is the only to properly reconcile it. That might not be easy but I don’t know of another way to solve the problem.