Most people spend 90% of their time defending their ego, I once read. That statement made me stop and scratch my head but in the end I agreed with the statement. Most people will go to extraordinary lengths to protect their public image even in the face of real world evidence against their fabricated self-image. I confess that I felt a bit smug because I don’t swagger much in public. I don’t put up glass houses that people can throw stones at and so I didn’t spend 90% of my time defending my ego in public.

In private though, I found a very different story as for years I entertained a high opinion of myself that really went unwarranted based upon the real world results that I created. I thought that I was great and that other people and other things were at fault for the dismal results that I created for myself. I spent a lot of time playing the blame game, you know the story, “I could’ve been a contender if only I had had better:

parents/siblings/friends/teachers/genes/luck/girlfriends/employers etc. etc.”

I didn’t spend much effort defending my ego in public but in private that seemed to be pretty much all that I ever did. I had a phony image of myself and I denied the reality that it wasn’t other things that were messing my life up, it was me!

However, despite all of the bullshit that we throw out and all of the ranting and raving that we might do avoid the truth, the fact is that we live in a real world and fabrications and denial just can’t cut it forever. Subconsciously, I knew that I deceived myself and the symptoms of this deception came forth as despondency, self-contempt and poor behavior. At heart, I felt something of a fake because I did not get on with the things that I speculated, planned and dreamed of. Instead I became a fantasist, something which gave continuous instantaneous relief but that resulted in more and more despair over the long-term.

I had to face up to the horrid truth: I was bullshitting myself. Ouch! That hurt. It hurt very deeply but once I accepted that, a lot of stress, and the continuous numbing background of negative emotion that I had felt for years, just fell away. By accepting the truth about my reality I no longer had to devote energy into pumping up a continuously deflating image of myself. It was the perfect exchange. Effort devoted into pretending that I was something that I was not could now be devoted into taking the practical actions that would deliver what I wanted. The only cost was hurt pride and some flickers of desperation, easily offset with a little bit of forgiveness. Not a bad price for turning my life around.

So if it’s that easy then why do so many people live in denial, defending the indefensible? I think that it comes down to ancient survival mechanisms. No one wants to end up extinct as the least fit. No one wants to end up in dire straits due to incompetence. I think that we have evolved in such a way that denial benefited us as a species (but more on this in the next post). However, that denial tends to confer very short-term benefits at the expense of long-term advantage. By recognizing what’s going on in our minds we can develop a conscious awareness of the fact that denial is a very short-term response and is not to be indulged in as a long-term strategy.

If you feel that some of your deeper problems come from denying the reality of who you are, rather than who you would like to be then you need to establish a clear awareness of where the discrepancies lie. When I feel negative emotions I write down how I feel, what caused me to feel this way and the result that I would actually like to have. This shows where my personal performance is lacking because I have not delivered the result that I wanted. The post Painful Emotions: Character Insight goes into more detail about this process. After that you need to seek out the practical ways that you yourself can deliver the results that you want. This initially comes down to desire management (so that you feel good again right now) and then to developing new solutions (that’s a vast subject beyond the scope of this post to answer but the article Supercharge Your Learning can give you some initial insight).

You might find this process of admitting to the real you based upon your real abilities and your real world results painful to do but you probably experience emotional pain in your life already. All of that comes from denying your reality. You can never get what you want in life, make progress and find contentment unless you do this. Keep it real and you will unlock the power and resourcefulness within you.

The simple single act of acceptance of my real world self and rejection of my fantasy self has led to the greatest personal change that I have ever experienced. I behave maturely, decisively and confidently. I behave very naturally. I experience more contentment and cheerfulness than at any other time that I can remember. Best of all, in doing this I have finally unlocked the floodgates to my productivity. Because I no longer bullshit myself about my abilities I no longer have to pretend that I can do the impossible. Instead of contending with this I spent years distracting myself from the truth that I could not do what I set out to do. If you want to save yourself from that trouble then follow my advice!

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