I would say that a large part of my early life became blighted by unrealistic expectations and a large dose of fantasizing. Although I tended not to bullshit other people in public too much I did do a lot of bullshitting to myself. I got carried away with all manner of great delusions and whilst I often had the possibility of doing what I set out to do I rarely fully considered the probabilities of getting what I wanted and I generally discounted my own poor attitude. Instead I usefully sought out highly effective and efficient means of getting things done, which worked as methods in and of themselves but which I failed to implement. I failed to implement them because I procrastinated continuously and got swept up with all manner of distractions. I procrastinated because I lacked the competence to undertake what I set out to do. I could not see that because I refused to admit to the difference between my desired self and my real self. I felt wrecked because I knew that I had the potential and the possibility to do so well and yet I could never translate that into solid and consistent real world results. In despair I forever indulged in distractions and blaming others. The more I did that the less chance I ever had of seeing that my own fantasizing created such grief.

Why We Fantasize
When we fantasize it gives us two great benefits: enthusiasm and hope. When we find ourselves in difficult situations we benefit from having something to look forward to and to keep us going. Fantasizing about a better future can help sustain us through a painful present. Also, when we fantasize we get excited and enthusiastic and this can lead us to take action. This enthusiasm proves very useful when we have an uncertain outcome or an uncertain method to do something. However, it proves very easy to fantasize about incredible events of which we have a (small) hope of achieving and that prove so large in scope that our enthusiasm can not possibly carry us through the difficulties that we will encounter. Therein lies the very great danger of fantasizing – it encourages us to do things that we don’t have the competence or the likelihood of achieving but the fantastic outcomes seduce as get us to commit action. When our lack of ability defeats us we become despondent and come to a stop and if we keep repeating that cycle then eventually we lead lives of depression and despair.

Using Fantasy Artfully
The art of using fantasizing to help and not hinder you lies in becoming a minor league fantasist. By that I mean that as soon as you have gotten over the grand fantasizing then take a reality check. Think about what it would really take to make that fantasy happen and whether you will commit to doing whatever it takes to make it happen. In my case I often find that the answer to the full commitment is, ‘No’ but I don’t necessarily discredit the whole desire. The fantasy often generates itself as some kind of pinnacle goal and as such immediately makes the probability of success very small. Instead I think about the process involved to reach such a pinnacle and if that process looks interesting, useful, enjoyable and rewarding then I might embark on taking steps in that direction. I then just concentrate on the next few steps. If I feel a desire to fantasize then I do so with those few steps and the result of their conclusion. I use the great power of fantasizing to create enthusiasm and motivation in a minor way. It might seem like I take a massive hammer to crack a small nut but it works so I use it.

We can take a phenomenon that easily creates great despondency if not handled carefully and instead redirect it as a tool to create concise action in the moment – I really like the resourcefulness, leverage and effectiveness of that.

• This forms the basic method of dealing with fantasies in a useful way:
• Fantasize but then GET REAL!
• What possibilities really exist and do you have the necessary resources, skills and attitudes to implement them?
• What probability do you have of creating these possibilities?
• Think of where you will find your competency and adequacy challenged as these things will break down your enthusiasm and finally lead to procrastination and quitting unless you counteract them.
• Adjust your fantasy to take account of your limitations and see whether it still proves sufficiently appealing and something that you will commit to (including overcoming your current limitation and inadequacies).
• Can you enjoy the process of moving in the direction that this fantasy dictates?
• If you chose to continue then work out the next steps and discern what rewards you will get along the way.
• Fantasize about doing those steps and use the enthusiasm to make a start.
• For extra motivation combine the desired result with negative affirmations

Manage Your Fantasies Carefully
Some fantasizing can prove very rewarding for getting us to get up and get out there. The danger lies in having too much expectation for too many things so that the chance of everything becoming fulfilled becomes highly improbable. When we just fantasize about one or two things and get up and do things and through the process get other useful rewards (even though we don’t get our fantasized for reward) then fantasizing has true value. However, fantasizing about myriad possibilities on a grand level often becomes a disastrous policy. Disappointment becomes inevitable which either leads us to become despondent about ourselves because we lack the competency to meet our fantastic outcomes or we become despondent about reality because it does not meet our fantastic outcomes. Too much of that and too often just leads to continual numbing emotional pain.

Fantasizing has become a more common modern disease. We have far more avenues for fantasizing with many new distractions that encourage us to aspire to higher levels of absolute success but over which we have a small probability of achieving. We also live in a culture that commends people to aspire to pinnacle goal achievement but this also proves improbable and very demotivating (please separate article on Pinnacle Goal Setting). Also, in this age, the levels of competency needed to reach the higher levels of absolute success have become much higher and the way to do so has, in general, become much vaguer. Consequently, we don’t know how to achieve our goals and the increasingly abstract nature of knowledge working, where new wealth is created these days, also makes the path vaguer. Add this altogether and you have a culture where people have very high aspirations (fantasies) with small probability of achieving them and with no clearly defined route (competency) and this causes more emotional stress, more deluding of ourselves and hence more infantile and damaging behaviors.

Fantasize but then reset and get real. Choose from the fantasy one or two things that you have a good chance of getting simply by acting or that you have a good chance of reaching from your current levels of capability. Do it to meet those things and forget the rest. If you like the process involved in and of itself then keep going because you already get reward from the small steps involved. Go further into the fantasy scenario if possible and if desired. If not then expect frustration, despondency, procrastination and eventual quitting. Don’t make things worse by supporting your fantasies with feckless beliefs (please see this important article on Turning Beliefs into Theories).

I confess that my fantasies get out of hand very quickly. I think of some new idea or new possibility and very quickly I idealize the scenario with multiples of ‘and then…and then!…and then!…’ I do have to control this tendency very strongly otherwise I set out with unrealistically high expectations, quickly get disappointed because I often lack the ability to fulfill those high and exacting expectations and then get into procrastination as a method of hiding from the reality of my inadequacy (and sometimes foolishness). Very recently I thought of joining a fitness club and the follow-up article ‘Fitness Fantasy!’ will show you how I quickly got out of control with a whole swathe of idealized visions of how I would behave at the fitness club with further details on how I countered this profusion of fantasies.

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