This article leads on from Painful Emotions: Character Insight.

Interpreting Painful Emotions

Leading on from the article Painful Emotions: Character Insight, we can use the following procedure for dealing with attitudinal/emotional problems. By apply this consistently we can get to grips with upsets immediately and then seek to adjust habitual patterns of thinking so that we get the results that everyone wants: to feel good and to do well.

Recognition

Have a high awareness of negative feelings. The stronger emotions grip us and demand high level attention but the lower level negative emotions such as boredom and dissatisfaction have a worse long-term effect as we can live for years feeling those emotions but end up doing nothing about them because we just accept those states.
As soon as you recognise that negative feelings have gripped you then stop and recognise the feeling. The tension created by a negative feeling indicates that a difference exists between your desired outcome and your actual outcome. Ask yourself:

• What emotion do I feel right now?
• What event triggered this feeling?

Make an Accurate Assessment of Reality

Write down the outcome that you would you like to have at this point in time but don’t have. Ask yourself:

• What outcome do I want right now?
• What is my actual outcome right now?
• What differences between the desired outcome and the real outcome exist?
• What would have to happen in order to fulfill this desire right now?
• Is it realistic that I can have this desire now/soon/ever?

Accept Reality and then Decide What To Do About It

We cannot battle against real world events that have just passed into history. Remaining upset only serves to keep you feeling bad and generally doesn’t lead to better problem solving. Accept what has happened and then decide what you can do to fulfill those desires in the future. Ask yourself:

• What control do I have over delivering the desired outcome? [If the answer is ‘None’ then give up the desire or adjust to a permanently dissatisfying situation]
• What things can I personally do that will either guarantee fulfillment or else make fulfillment highly likely? [Some answers might lead to a requirement to develop a lot more ability that will take a long time to achieve. If that’s your situation then you need to adjust to that]
• Am I willing to commit to doing the things necessary to get the outcome? [If the answer is ‘no’ then give up that desire - you’re much better off accepting that and moving onto to other things]
• What course of action can lead me to fulfillment of the desired outcome?
• What’s the next step in that process? [Make it a very small step and take it!]

Generally speaking, we feel and act much better when we can control the important elements in our lives. Many things exist that we cannot control so in order not to feel overwhelmed and ‘out of control’ it helps enormously to accept that we can at least control our attitude to events. Through accepting events in reality, and adjusting our momentary desires accordingly, we exert a large measure of immediate emotional control over ourselves. Instead of reacting in fight or flight response mode we can delve into our own personal levels of resourcefulness to start creating a better reality.

Test the New Way of Thinking

Introduce elements of control wherever possible to increase the chance of getting the desired outcome. When a similar thing occurs that in the past would have caused bad feelings check your new responses. How well do you accept your reality? If you still feel bad then you need to change your desires and expectations further to match the likely inputs from reality, at this time. To ensure that you don’t continually end up with a reality that you can bear but don’t want then you have to work on improving your own abilities to make your desired results more likely through better personal control of outcomes. If you do none of this then you will find yourself always at the whim of fickle fortune, tossed about by the resulting negative emotions and always under the control of other people and other things.

This procedure helps to rebuild the mechanisms of personal thought that currently generate too many negative emotions. Most of us have ample aptitude to solve our problems and to develop skills and competence but we spend far too much of our time wrapped up in responding with disappointment, frustration, anger and all other negative emotions to events in reality that don’t meet our desires and our expectations. By freeing yourself from spending a huge percentage of your time in responding to emotions you instead unleash your power to act with great effort and concentration on the real tasks that you bring you greatest pleasure and meaning and that move you forward in life.

Imagine: how would you spend your time if you were freed of perplexing thoughts and fight or flight responses?

If you have enjoyed this article then please comment or recommend it to one of the social bookmarking sites below. To ensure that you receive all future posts please subscribe to the RSS feed (use the button in the header bar above)