It’s only natural that an outsider finds it difficult to enter into an established group. That group already has trust and comfort between its members. They have shared experiences together, they know personal things about each other and they often have in-jokes and even little rituals that naturally lead to a feeling of exclusion for other people, even if someone invites you to join the group. Getting along with people is all about rapport. Rapport comes from being able to connect with someone. The more you think the same way as someone else, say the same things, wear similar clothes, have similar hobbies, and so on, then the more connection that you will have with them. They will think, “This is my kind of guy /girl . It’s as if he / she knows me.” This happens because you share interests and value things in similar ways.

Getting into an established group can thus prove difficult, so don’t tackle groups head on. Instead, see if you can get know one person from the group well. If you can connect well with one person, then you will find it easier to connect with the group. Your new friend will automatically confer a certain amount of trust and acceptability onto you. It as if the one person acts as a qualifying filter to let you into the group. The next time you get involved with a new group, just listen in and see if there is someone who you think you can connect with. You could ask a stimulating question there and then, but it might prove easier to speak to that person alone, either after the group breaks up or just before they reconvene the next time. You can say something along the lines of, “Hi, I heard you talking about (that person’s topic of interest) and I was wondering what you think about (something related to the topic). I’m interested to know your opinion.” Open ended questions, that don’t require a yes or no answer are great for getting a proper response from someone. If the person is a nice person, then they will respond and you can ask more questions and give an opinion. Most people love to talk about either themselves, or about their favorite subjects. If you can do this in a way that demonstrates that you think that they have expertise and that they also end up thinking that they have expertise, then that person will end up feeling good talking to you - even though you might not actually be saying very much. You can open it up further by asking questions, such as, “And what do your friends think about this?” or “And are your friends interested in this too?” That can lead to you getting know more about those group members and could lead to a strong introduction that leads to a conversation with the group, or that gives you something to talk about with individuals from that group the next time that you see them alone. You can say, “Hi, I was talking to (the first group member) about (topic of interest) and he said that you were interested in this, particularly (whatever was was said previously).”

By tackling the problem in this way, you don’t have to make a potentially unwelcome interruption and then have everyone shut up as they turn their heads towards you. That’s pretty intimidating. By taking a more oblique approach you can enter into the group without having to talk to the whole group just by yourself at the first instance. Once you have contact with one or two members, the rest of the group will naturally become very curious about the newcomer and will thus be interested in who you are and what you have to say.

In terms of speaking in front of a large group, it can prove nerve-wracking at first. The best thing to do is speak openly and honestly and to admit if you are ignorant about something, or feel nervous. Everyone has felt those things and we tend to admire people who admit those things instead of denying them and attempting to cover up. People can easily detect the fakery and it makes them uneasy. If you are ignorant about something or don’t understand something, then just say so. Just say something like, “I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand (that particular point), could you explain it further, please?” In my experience, you’ll find that in a large group a lot of other people also don’t understand and will be relieved that you asked. In fact, you might even become ‘the guy who asks for clarification’ such that many people feel relief when you ask clarifying questions - I’ve had that happen to me often. People admire confidence and are deeply attracted to confident people. Having the confidence to admit what you don’t know, and what you can’t do, scores highly with most people (and it’s so rare to find!). I think that it’s easy to do. It’s just honest acceptance of your reality. Of course, it was different at school, when kids would laugh, point and throw rocks at anyone who seemed different, or who had apparently messed up, but outside of school few people behave that way and if you enter a group of people who do behave that way, then leave as soon as you can. Those people are immature and foolish and will only make trouble for you.

It’s very important to know and to accept that you can never be all things to all people all of the time. It would be nice to be perfect and to get along with everyone seamlessly and effortlessly, but that’s never ever going to happen. If you are lucky, at most points in your life you will have a network of about 20 people with whom you have social contact with on a regular basis (say every one to three months) and about 4 of those people will be the people that you spend about 80% of your social time with. That’s just the way that things work out it seems (the 80/20 rule at work again!). I used to spend a lot of effort trying to be friends with every single person that came along, but I don’t bother with that approach any more. I accept that few people will ever have a deep rapport with me and so I tend to rapidly filter out people with whom I can quickly tell that no easy rapport is going to happen; at least not without a long hard effort. Instead of feeling that there is something wrong with me because of this, I accept it as a wise and practical response. I suppose that it can make me seem a little flippant at times, perhaps even aloof, but I no longer care because I don’t set myself the impossible task of attempting to make everyone like me. I mean, I do pay careful attention to people when I first meet them, but I now qualify whether I want to devote time to them, which is the opposite to how I used to be when I used to think, “Can I pass their qualification as a friend?” This is one of the effects of giving up needs. You end up taking control of your desires and outcomes, which is the opposite to needy people.

I still find myself at events where I know no one and in those events I still find myself clamming up and talking to no one. I don’t feel bad about that, it’s just natural and for events where I will probably never see the people again, I don’t much care about that. If it’s for something where I will go regularly, then I know that over time I can connect with one or two people and begin to befriend people and become accepted. Again, it’s much easier to break into things when it revolves around a shared interest. Just chatting to a unknown person in a bar is difficult, because there are few common points that you can be sure of sharing. Chatting to an unknown person at a concert for a band that you really like is much easier, because you at least share an interest in music, and probably in the band. Your ability to connect with people is deeply dependent upon how clever you are in putting yourself into situations where connection and rapport comes easily. These things can come about by accident, but why rely on fickle chance when you can take matters into your own hands and set things up to favor you?

Related Articles:

Dealing With Public Conflict

The Art of Cheerfulness (and how to get more of it)

How I stopped Being Needy

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[Photo by CraigP]