Formulating A Better Question

In this follow on from the article, Why “Why?” Often Doesn’t Help , I explain my thorough analysis of a repeated but unanswerable question that I often used to ask myself, “Why the hell can’t I control myself properly?” Let’s begin:

A why question seeks a reason for a cause and effect. For example, to the question “Why does it rain?” we can give a specific answer “Because of precipitation.” Or, if we don’t know for sure then we end up making something up, such as, “Because the gods make it so.”

What Do I Mean?

In a question such as “Why can’t I control myself properly?” since no precise answer exists the brain makes up a response, “Because you’re a loser. Because you’re parents didn’t love you. Because you’re an idiot. Because you were born to struggle and fail.” etc. Not particularly resourceful answers and not likely to make me feel good about myself. In order to get to grips with this problem I need first to see if the question has any validity and that I have a high likelihood of finding clear answers for it. Thus I ask the question, “What does the question specifically mean?” and to answer it I must look at each part of it:

1. What do I mean by why?
2. What do I mean by ‘the hell’?
3. What do I mean by cannot?
4. What do I mean by control?
5. What do I mean by myself?
6. What do I mean by properly?

Firstly, by asking a ‘why’ question I have the intention to find out what causes the problem. Such a question also infers that I want to know the solution to either a) eliminate the cause or else b) to adapt to the cause so that it will not cause any further problems. Such a thing does not get stated which immediately flags this up as a vague question.

Secondly, ‘the hell’ just emphasises my abject frustration although it could allude to a desire to find someone or something else to blame for this situation. It doesn’t really add to the question and so I will remove it.

Thirdly, ‘cannot’ refers to an absolute condition that suggests, in the full context of the question, that I have no ability to control myself. Since I can consciously do many, many things then this terminology does not prove valid, truthful or useful. To make it valid the term ‘cannot’ must have some further specification that details what specifically about my behaviour do I consider that I cannot control and within what boundaries.

Fourthly, ‘control’ assumes that this proves possible for me under the conditions to which the cause of my problem places me and for whichever response I deem that I want to give. Since absolute control over all things and at all times can never occur then again some specific term limits become necessary for further clarity.

Fifthly, ‘myself’ refers to me as a human being. I think that defines the thing that I want to control accurately enough.

Sixthly, ‘properly’ suggests that some proper code of conduct exists for my behaviour. In the moment of asking the question it probably refers to something specific but not stated but on its own it becomes a totally vague suggestion and without limitation.

Refining the Question

Having analysed this question against the question, “What do I mean?” then it becomes clear that many vague terms exist and that consequently an accurate and useful answer that brings forth better behaviour will not arise. The question infers many things but needs refinement to become clear and valid. The general sense of the question seeks to gain a solution to exert a high level of conscious self-control in certain situations but I need to define this further. My thinking goes along these lines:

1. Change the ‘why’ to a ‘how’ or ‘what’ question, for example, “By what method can I …?” “How can I exert … under …?”
2. Change ‘cannot’ to ‘can’ a simple distinction that suggests possibility rather than impossibility and hence draws the mind to focus on the solution. Please also see the article, Negative and Positive Focus for more information of the importance of this distinction.
3. Create a more specific definition of ‘control’ so that it corresponds exactly with the kind of control desired at the relevant time. In this case ‘control’ refers to my desire to consciously redirect my thoughts and hence actions.
4. Create a more specific definition of ‘properly’ so that it corresponds specifically with the kind of control desired at the relevant time. In this case ‘properly’ refers to my desire to instantly and without fail act in the manner dictated by my rational thinking as opposed to my emotional reaction.

The Better Question

From all of this I can now create a clearer question:

“By what method can I consciously redirect my thoughts, and hence actions, at any given moment so that I act in accordance with my rational desires rather than my emotional reactions?”

Question the Assumptions

This question infers the problem and states the desired result with far greater accuracy than, “Why the hell can’t I control myself properly?” and due to the precision of the question I have a much higher likelihood of coming up with useful answers. The process of questioning the question has not yet ended. I now ask the following: “On what assumptions does this question depend?” In this case it depends upon the following assumptions:

1. That I can consciously redirect my thoughts
2. That changing my thoughts will lead to the actions I desire
3. That I recognise the moment when irrationality takes over my responses
4. That I can consciously overcome irrational responses in the moment
5. That a method exists or that I can create a method that gives repeatable results

From my experience I have a high level of confidence and certainty that I can do or get items 1-3. I cannot fully affirm item 4 and that doesn’t surprise me because that part forms the crux of my problem and what I seek to solve. If I can solve item 4 then item 5 will come about by default.

Develop a Procedure to Answer the Question

Next I ask the question: “By exactly what procedures might I find a reliable, factual answer?” This question requires me to consider how I can observe the problem in action, under what conditions the problem occurs, and then requires me to consider alternative ways of thinking and acting that will create the desired result for me. It encourages me to ask questions along the lines of, “What might work?” and then to engage in personal experimentation to test my ideas and hypotheses.

How This Will Benefit You

In the above example I have explained the thinking and the process very, very thoroughly. I know that this seems like a long-winded way to go about things but when you discover your own unanswerable questions that keep repeating in your head without any resolution then you can go through this process much quicker.

I truly, thoroughly recommend that you take this trouble. I have spent literally decades befuddled and immobilised in many areas of my life by attempting to answer the unanswerable and all to no avail. I merely extended the duration of my confusion and remained perplexed. It felt like I continually battled with myself to make headway. Progress, if it came at all, came slowly and with much duress. You deserve better than that and I wrote all of this so that you don’t have to waste more of your energy and your precious time in such a useless preoccupation.

By the way, the solution to this problem, effectively ‘How to overcome irrational responses in the moment’, has come down to designing and living my life in ways that largely eliminate the occasions when an irrational response would previously have occurred. Because I understand that negative emotions (the usual fount of irrational responses) occur when I experience results that highlight the difference between my desired self and desired results and my real self and my real results I generally take great care about what I desire of myself and the world. I now have pragmatic desires and ideas about myself and the world and even if I occasionally feel disappointment I have conditioned myself to quickly accept my reality and to adjust accordingly.